Hello Everyone! This is my first blog post since taking a break in 2022. During the past 2 years I’ve moved, experienced the death of a parent, and felt intensely emotionally weary from all the effort, time, self-care and other hard work involved in the healing journey. I’ve been almost completely intolerant of reading or even talking about chronic illness and trauma topics. Despite that, symptoms have continued to serve as my motivators and these principles have become my foundation that I use every day. I hadn’t known where things would lead when I paused my blog in hopes it would support my next level of healing. One bonus is that I can tell you that I’m continuing to improve. The other bonus is that I keep learning new and surprising nuances all the time. I’ll share a little more about the process still unfolding below and in future posts.
An exciting aspect of feeling better is that I am now offering Consults, which you can learn about or schedule directly or, keep reading as I share the evolution of the office space I’ve created, along with initial details of the past few years and the process leading to this new offering.
One of the feelings leading to me slow down in blogging in 2021 was a niggling sense of disillusionment. The question had been gnawing at me because I had not fully recovered my health despite over 20 years of dedication to healing so many different kinds of trauma in my personal life. I was starting to feel “Resistance” to this topic I’ve been so passionate about and to doing any more trauma therapy. I was feeling more twinges of discouragement than my norm. I imagine these are common experiences for many of you as well.
I had also begun wondering whether I was mistaken in my single-minded focus on trauma’s contribution to disease – and, more importantly, starting to feel concerned that I might be wrong in promoting the idea that healing experiences of adversity in our past can help with physical symptoms in the present.
It turns out my hunches were good ones. The trauma and chronic illness model I’ve been developing keeps getting refined, personal experience continues to add subtle and unexpected insights, and the body of research is expanding on this topic too.
My focus during the past few years has been to make space for a remarkably pervasive sense of fear. It has also been following the unexpected wish to “Play House” that I’ve had the privilege to use as I increased the ratio of pleasurable experiences to stressful ones. I’ve been gardening, and painting the rooms in our house to increase the positives that help me better witness and not believe the myriad, seemingly never-ending, negative internal messages and self-doubt I’ve been experiencing. I suspected these two states represented a new layer that was bubbling up from my adverse childhood relationship experiences (ACREs) aka developmental wounding. My hunch was that this was a sign of progress and thawing of the state of freeze I’ve been in for most of my adult life. But I had felt in the dark and uncertain. And I needed to reduce the input on topics of trauma and all that comes with it.
I am quietly, gently appreciating the subtle signs that my health continues to improve. While I’m not in that place I’d imagined in which I could start jogging and begin an exercise program to build capacity just by using will power, I’m feeling so much better that sometimes I forget I have limitations. That, in and of itself, is a milestone of significant proportions.
The signs that I’ve been healing are subtle and it’s taken me a while to recognize them. Instead of recovering in an overt, linear, concrete way, it’s been what I’ve started thinking of as “healing laterally.” As though parts of me are filling in, plumping up, and awakening in bits and parts. It’s almost invisible to the outside observer, and often to myself as a witness too. I’ll use the metaphor of getting my new work space area ready and how there are so many more steps than we ever imagine. If you look at a space after it’s been completed, you often can’t see all that went into creating it. It’s a bit like this chronic illness healing journey. I’ll share more specifics in a future post about indicators of healing that help us recognize we are on a good track (instead of being stuck like we might think we are).
My Studio is over our garage. It was the favorite space of the young guys who helped us move and who dubbed it “The Secret Room.”
The ideas for what to do with my Studio began to emerge once I knew how I wanted to use it. It’s only then that the creative juices began to flow. It came together as a result of making space, slowing down, and waiting for impulses and clarity to emerge. Trusting that it would emerge. Sometimes just hoping it might emerge.
At first, I was thrilled to just have the space. It was disorganized and a bit chaotic because the existing shelving felt haphazard and obstructing. I removed a closet that I walked through when entering this space, brushing against hangers and clothes each time. That led me to feel I could breathe a little more easily. After pondering for over a year, I next tore out the two shelving units attached to the walls. Demolishing things is labor intensive but I could rest as needed and it was so satisfying. I removed nails. Patched dry wall. Hauled things downstairs. Reveled in the greater sense of opening and possibility.
It was then that I came up with a new place to orient my desk that felt good – spacious, empowering and with the possibility of enjoying the south-facing window without getting blinded by the sunshine. I gave the wood trim a light sanding and 4 coats of paint. I worked on my getting my Consult scheduling system online with help, and made room for all the activation spikes this action engendered in my nervous system because I was mobilizing towards something I wanted.
Spikes in my nervous system came as symptoms. There were many. I had the most severe levels of constipation I’ve had in years. Despite all I know it took me months to recognize the trigger: it started after I first contacted my web developer. The constipation didn’t respond more than briefly to any of the tools I’d developed over the years. I wasn’t willing to go back to a full keto diet. And so I kept coming back to my base principal of reminding myself this symptom was based on my nervous system perceptions of threat. And that this is what I simply needed to keep working with.
As a result, my task was to keep the symptoms and myself company with self-compassion. By working to keep my witness on board as often as possible so that I didn’t believe all the scary things the symptoms made me worry about (will I finally have to go to the ER? get invasive testing? go back to the “mean” or aloof health professionals whose approaches only helped me for a little while but not in the long run? …). I worked the same way with all the other symptoms that have arisen since preparing to move 2 years ago and preparing to move into my life more fully with this new work: vertigo, anxiety, bladder pain, and lots of times when I have not wanted to do ANYthing (behavioral freeze). I’ve also had hip pain, inguinal pain, a recurrence of left wrist pain, new onset of elbow pain (a reaching trigger?), and full body muscle pain (a period of fibromyalgia-like symptoms). I suspect they all came back for a visit to see whether I was really serious about my philosophy and perspectives. A little like a child needing reassurance that the parent really means what they say about believing in them and loving them for who they really are. It was simply an invitation to be with these scared parts in a more regulated way.
Each symptom has had periods of resolution. I am still working with cycles of activation and anxiety that come with each additional step I take to making these consults real. It’s just part of a package deal – a. mobilizing, b. making space for the scared parts, and c. healing. Rinse and Repeat.
During this preparatory period, after integrating more ACREs stimulated by a visit to support my mother, the inspired feelings for my Studio came back with more clarity and energy. I had the aha moment on realizing I wanted to paint a bold, dark wall behind where I will be sitting at my desk.
I taped off the wall and started painting the edges. “Cutting in” is a clear, linear, logical first step that I’ve done with all the other rooms I’ve painted around the house.
And then the spontaneous urge to play and do something different arose. It was like turning on the music.
I went for it with abandon. Like being a child, unabashed, following what lights you up, not knowing about silly rules, and drawing on the wall. What a blast.
It was exhausting to make all the circles, using my whole body. It was simultaneously exhilarating.
I took breaks to pay attention to sensation, my body’s responses, and to invite questions as I checked-in. Just as I keep practicing in my daily life.
The Wall of Play slowly took shape.
I consulted with David. Pondered some more. Rested a wee bit.
And then I went for the big transformation. I felt excitement as the depth of the color began to have an impact. It felt vibrant. and so did I.
Next was refining. It’s always a little hard to let go of or discard some of the things that have given us joy, or been important on our paths. So I followed the inner sense that was morphing with each step, clarifying what I was wanting. That is what guided me when I would have liked to hang on to more of those circles I love. I got a little more input from David too. I then made my edits and rolled the paint on and over.
The wall of play became the space of trusting oneself. The design got quieter. I ended up being drawn towards a calm feeling that also has embedded within it the sense of doing something I love. Something unique. Something a bit counter culture. I felt a growing emergence of profound satisfaction. That was my feedback, telling me I was going in the right direction for me.
Something tender is emerging. In me. In my Studio.
An old and gentle part of me is knocking ever so softly at the door.
There is much I want to tell you, although I don’t yet know how much it will be through writing, posting or presentations just yet.
For those of you wanting to explore this territory in a deeper way I now offer more support through consults on the role of trauma in chronic illness. I’ve edited this post to now provide more details on consults here instead of here in this post.
it’s wonderful to be back in contact with you and newly in contact with those of you have joined since my last post.
Until next time.
Hi Veronique. Lovely to hear/ read how you’re asking and answering the Two Perilous Questions for yourself. (I extracted them from reading the authentic inquiry research that became the book: The Feminine Face of God. The questions asked over and over again by their research “subjects” as they traveled their unique, individual roads to spiritual maturity were: 1. What’s true for me?; and 2. What do I want? May the energies of their answers continue to guide you unfailingly. Blessings, Mark
Hi Mark,
So nice to see you here. Thanks so much for your thoughtful response – those Two Perilous Questions do indeed resonate :-)
I was delighted to hear from you. You contribute to my understanding of the world (I’m a therapist (somatic in nature). Your “secret” space is awesome. Enjoy it and welcome back. <3
Hi Jane, Thank you so much for making the effort to let me know I make a contribution to your life. My body and heart and self so appreciate knowing that. I’m loving my secret space and glad you appreciate it too :-).
Hi Veronique,
Great to hear from you and read about your healing journey. Thanks for writing! :-)
Hi Garth! It’s good to see you and thanks so much for reading and for saying hello!
Hooray! A transmission from Veronique! I have wondered about you and was so glad to get this update. I certainly understand a thing or two about disillusionment and find your insights so nourishing. What a welcome read.
And a transmission from Laura Leigh!! It’s been so long, what a treat. Yes – you certainly would understand the disillusionment thing and I’m so glad there is the other side that offers nourishment (both for you, yay! and for me, lol).
I had missed reading your weekly posts Veronique. Glad you’re back! Reading this post it sounds like your life has been full and a departure from the norm welcomed some space and insight. Thank you for sharing your experiences so honestly. I look forward to hearing more.
Hi Kelly,
Thanks for the welcome back! Yes, my nervous system has been very interested in this new orientation to space away from my previous norm :-). Thanks for letting me know about appreciating the honesty – it can sometimes feel quite vulnerable and responses like yours and the others here help me to continue.
Hello Veronique!
I’m so glad to receive the great news of your return! Thanks for sharing the story of your journey and the progression of your gorgeous art. Such a marvelous, depthful, and rich expression!
Looking forward to connecting,
Janice
Hello Janice, Thank you so much for the warm embrace welcome back!
I loved reading your story! Thank you for sharing
Thanks so much Kate!!
Dear Veronique,
Very nice that you showed the transformation of your room and especially the bold and playful movements in it.
I am very grateful for your message and that you have the courage and honesty to share this too personal story. I was touched by this article because I recognize so much in it.
Your frustrations and especially your physical complaints. Also in the healing process that happens in so many different and subtle ways, especially by not being on top of it! I know from experience:-)
Your story makes me feel connected to you even though you live on the other side of the world!
I will certainly read your articles, but in a very measured manner.
I would like to share something with you if it fits here?
In America you use trauma abbreviations. My trauma falls under the ABEs. That is something that has shaped my life and I tend to get overstimulated more quickly, but I haven’t felt that in a long time.
I do not call myself a chronically ill person, but I do call myself someone with great sensitivity and chronic cramps/pain due to stress reactions in my body and I have Hashimoto’s.
At the age of 40 I had a heart attack due to cramping and it was part of a burnout.
I was born in 1957 and at that time there was no awareness of baby trauma at all. I ended up at trauma work via a very long road through all kinds of physical discomforts and did a lot of trauma work.
I was very eager to acquire knowledge. Trauma will always be in my interest because it is my life’s journey. But it is also healthy to take breaks and let the impulse come from within.
There is always something that requires attention, but in 2021 I was saturated with trauma work and all the new books and methods. That causes me to be overstimulated. I once learned in a training course that ‘over stimulation is not development’ and I really have to take that now to heart. Fortunately, I am past ‘the story’, after a long time but there are traces of trauma in my body. Although there are always and sometimes many physical discomforts. My focus now is not on increasing knowledge and intensive ‘working on’ but more on feeling where I am alive in my body. To be there for myself, where I can soften and, above all, learn to relax. That also feels like a lifelong journey of embracing myself to me.
From my own experience I know that trauma is very layered and complex and incomprehensible to many people even ‘professionals’. It’s great that there are people like you who are committed to bringing the importance of trauma awareness to the world!
I wish you a very nice restart and may your creative and playful energy be your guide!
🤗
Djouke van Aken
Hello Djouke,
Thank you for connecting – it’s an amazing thing to feel connection across the ocean :-) and I feel it with you as you share some of your experiences so honestly here. It sounds like there is a place after doing a lot of work with trauma that we also share, and probably many other readers as well, where it helps to stop. Pause, focus on other things like ALIVENESS!!! and relaxing !!, have the capacity to be more kind and gentle with ourselves and our hearts (something I’ve gained from the trauma work and am still deepening), keep using our tools when we need them, and spend less time in the trauma work. What a gift, is it not? As you say, it is beautiful.
You mention relating to the role of ABEs in your life. It continues to be a large part of mine although softer much of the time. Interestingly, while the abbreviation ACEs is increasingly recognized here in the US (and around the world), many of the other abbreviations for types of trauma are ones I’ve created that build on the term for ACEs. These are probably only known to you because you read my blog (AMEs, AIEs, ACEs plus, APOEs and the like).
My restart made me pull a bit back into my shell this week, haha not a surprise, and I am starting to feel a lot of creativity for writing again. Thank you for your wishes and I wish you the same with your journey as you experience what it feels like to embrace yourself and to relax.
with love and appreciation,
Veronique
Hello Veronique,
Thank you for your warm response!
I first heard of the term ACEs in 2021 in the film The wisdom of trauma. I had not heard of ABEs before and will look into it again :-) I don’t know the other terms at all.
In 2019 I read a Dutch book about prenatal trauma. That the origin already lies in many earlier imprints through our parents and before conception. The book is called The disconnect with ourselves. For me it was an eye opener.
There is still so much to discover on our sensitive journeyđź’«
🤗
Djouke
Hello Djouke,
Yes – there is still much to discover! The pre and perinatal imprints were eye openers for me as well. Mine was a book as well (Life in the Womb, written by an Obstetrician in 1999 and many more since, which formed the basis for ABEs). I didn’t find the book you mentioned on a quick search but it has felt to me that Europeans were and have been ahead of us in this knowledge in many ways. Thank you! V
Unfortunately there is no English translation of the The disconnect with ourselves. It was written by Gaby Stroecken and Rien Verdult from the Expertise and Training Center for Prenatal Psychology in Belgium and what they have been doing for a long time. They also offer baby therapy, among other things.
The answer of Rien Verdult to my question was: No, there is no English translation. It is almost impossible to enter the English or American market with a Dutch book in this field. It is very shielded.
Rien Verdult is a member of the International Society of Prenatal and perinatal Psychology and Medicine (ISPPM), from the Association of Prenatal and Perinatal Psychology and Health (APPPAH), and from Developmental Origins of Health and Disease (DOHaD). They have written several books, unfortunately only available in Dutch. There are a few English articles https://www.stroeckenverdult.be/site/nl/docs.asp
See you next time!
🤗
Djouke
Thank you for that – It turns out I have Verdult’s article from that page suggesting links between pre and perinatal experiences and Alzheimer’s and my thinking is very similar to theirs, supported by work and research just like that. I’ve always wondered about attending an ISPPM conference but haven’t been up for going to Europe. I’ve long been a member of APPPAH so thank you for all that info too! Until next time :-)
Veronique,
I have followed your work for awhile, didn’t hear from you and recently got an update and watched your interview on Chronic Pain and Trauma. I’ve been a clinician for more than fifty years, discovered ACEs shortly after the research was first published and added that to my own healing work. I work and have helped develop the field of Gender-Specific Medicine and I focus on healing men and their families. Would love to connect more fully with you and your current and future work.
Hello Jed,
It’s great to meet you. I just took a look and see your precious and important work. Yes, I took a break and am excited to be back and finding my way with next steps. Do get in touch. You can reach me by email through my contact page.
My journey started so abruptly that it is hard to believe in my case that it linked to ACE. However, I do have a bunch of them and a pretty high score. But to me it started after being prescribed a medication that affected my methylation cycle, and then doctors not knowing what was going on and put me on a high dose of benzos, which made me MUCH worse. But they were not listening or acknowledging it could make me worse.. and eventually, things EXPLODED. I woke up with my connective tissues not supporting my body anymore, literally overnight, with POTS, MCAS and a bunch of different ones. I was diagnosed with over 30 things. I was gaslit and traumatized by doctors. That’s what was the culprit in my case. Pretty sad. This leaves me not wanting to see a doctor ever again. I found one who saved my life in Calgary, Canada. Thank goodness. But anyways. I am still trying to understand the link between MTHFR and epigenetic. I am sure I can heal fully. I was healthy, active and we are all divine beings, capable of healing our bodies. But we have to believe it to our core. Wondering if you’d be open to share how epigenetic changes could happen so suddenly after traumas and what would be the mechanism behind this. I have read and listen to a lot of Bruce Lipton etc and I get it. But in my case the night before I woke up like this, I literally felt jolts of electricity going in my entire body, I actually saw my nervous system and blue and green lights travelling from head to toes. I had my eyes closed. I was terrified. I had gone on a hike after months of high doses of their meds that was giving me twitching and blood in my pee, etc. my doctor who saved my life months later explained that it’s very complex, that obviously he believes me as my bloodwork were showing I was metabolically destroyed, not producing any glutathione anymore, all my B vitamins were at 0, high homocysteine which obviously relates to methylation, not producing any cortisol anymore because I had been on high stress for months and months and traumatized and my nervous system just.. couldn’t take it anymore. But how it happened and the lights in my entire nervous system and the fact I woke up dehydrated, my connective tissues not working anymore, with crazy POTS symptoms, my organs amhad shrunk (glutathione depleted), intense brain inflammation… it is absolutely crazy. Anyways. Was curious to see if you’d agree to exchange a few messages! Sending love, Cate
Hi Cate,
It’s good to meet you. I’m so sorry to hear about all that has happened, and how quickly, and how severely. This stuff really can be so complex indeed. It might be that too many things happened all at once and there may be a myriad of other explanations. Email me through my contact page, I’m happy to exchange. In the meantime, in case any of these are helpfu and if you haven’t read these yet and since you ask, here’s a short blog post on epigenetics (which I think can change very quickly including with a “last straw” event), one about the Cell Danger Response, which speaks to these last straw events, and a post on onset triggers that I hope to update this year. love back, Veronique